Long, hard, summer

Wow, this has been a long, hard, summer! With only a few days of the summer left, I am sitting here amazed that we got through it.

Giselly is doing wonderfully after her ordeal in June. She only had to go to counseling a few times and they said she was doing so well, we could stop bringing her. Occasionally she still asks about Kevin or says things like "it's o.k. ot touch my own privates, right mommy". Or she asks me why Javy likes Jacob better than her. After what happened with Kevin, Javy was terrified to be around Selly. He was kinda mean to her and that just plain pissed me off. There wasn't much I could do though.

Lopez went to CA for 35 days for NTC, which is the training they go through before deployment. I had a very hard time for the first 4 weeks. I was severely depressed. I tried very hard to get the kids out of the house once or twice a week, but I generally wanted to stay home and not see anyone. I did make really good friends with my neighbor and we would sit outside when it cooled down in the evenings and let Selly and her son play. That helped me tremendously.

Lopez came home a few days ago and I have never been more happy to see him! NTC was so hard, I can't imagine how hard the actual deployment will be. For now we are enjoying out time with him home, because it is very short.

don't even know how to title this- it's long

It has been quite a while since I last posted and I wish I had good things to post. In the last two weeks my world has fallen apart.

On June 24th, Giselly came to me and told me that her brother Kevin touched her "tooshy" and made her touch his penis. I had no idea what to do. At first I thought I would confront Kevin, but I held back. I asked Selly again what happened and she repeated her story. I was horrified. Luckily Lopez called soon after she told me. I told him what happened. He was so mad. After we hung up, I called the Sex Abuse Hotline and asked what I should do next. They told me to take her to the doctor ASAP. I called Lopez and told him what they said. He siad he was already on his way home with 2 of his Sgt's with him. They were afraid that he would beat Kevin when he got home.

When he got home he confronted Kevin in front of his Sgt's. Kevin of course denied doing anything wrong. Lopez was very calm with Kevin.

I took Selly to the E.R. that evening. She acted as nothing had happened. She was jumping around, laughing, playing with the other children in the E.R. waiting room. All the while I was so calm it was bizarre. When we finally got back to the room, Giselly was still happy and jumping around. We played hokey pokey and Simon Says while waiting to be seen. At first the pediatric Nurse Practitioner said to being Selly back in the morning. Then she called right as we were walking out the door and said she would be in to see Selly that night because she couldn't sleep knwing I was so worried about Selly.

Then the Social Worker showed up. She asked Selly to draw a picture of her family. She drew Kevin and Javy as monsters with "angry" faces. She drew the rest of us the way she always draws people. When the SW asked her what had happened with Kevin the child that was just jumping all over the place put her hands in her face and hid. She hid the whole time I relayed what she had told me.

Another SW came in and the same thing, the bouncy happy child coward in her hands. The NP finally showed up and the same thing. It was heart breaking. The NP did a quick exam to see if there was any physical trauma and Thank God there was not, there was no penetration. We left the E.R. at 1am.

Selly acted like this with every person that spoke to her until we saw a Social Worker who is trained in interviewing children for abuse cases. In a room by herself and the SW being video taped, Selly told what happened. I have not been told exactly what she said and I have not been able to see the video. From what I have been told, she told the SW about the same thing she told me the first evening.

Kevin was interviewed later the same day (I think, the days are running together). They interviewed him for 4 hours. He denied it to the very end and finally admitted what happened. The investigator said that he basically said the same thing Selly did in her interview.

The anger is eating my alive. At first I was like a zombie. I showed no emotion for probably the first 4-5 days. None. I was worried that I was not showing the "proper" emotions that a mother should show when this type of thing happens. I always thought that if I were put in this situation that I would at least yell, if not kill someone that had touched my child like this. I did nothing. I did not even confront Kevin until the night before he went home and even then I was completely composed, never even raised my voice or gave him the stink eye.

Now I am a ball of anger. I am so freaking mad I can barely stand it. Any little thing sets me off into tears. I am angry that God let this happen to my child. I prayed every night for God to protect my babies and He let this happened. I prayed that my children would never know any sort of abuse and here we are. I had someone tell me that god would get me through this. Why didn't God keep me and my baby from this situation in the first place. Why did my child deserve this? Why do Lopez and I deserve this?

Giselly is still acting o.k. There are a few things that were/are worrying me, but for the most part i think she is fine. She said to me that "Kevin didn't know it was bad to touch private parts". It makes me happy and sad to hear that. Happy only because it seems like she thinks this was an accident, not something done "to her" on purpose. Sad because of the same reason. I know that does not make any sense, but that is how I feel. I want her to forget this ever happened and I think she will. I am not sure Lopez and I will ever forget.

I am angry because Kevin received not one bit of punishment. NOTHING. I mean he didn't even get yelled at by his father or me. NOTHING. I did not want him to go to jail. I wanted him to at least get community service. Honestly I have absolutely no idea what happened in the investigation except for my part in it. Lopez handled the rest of it and for that I am angry at him. I am angry that he did not push for punishment. He only pushed to get Kevin out of here ASAP. Don't get me wrong, I COMPLETELY feel for him and understand where he is coming from. Kevin is his child and even though he has done something horrible, Lopez still wants to protect him too. I understand this, but I am still so freaking angry!! I love my husband dearly and I know we will get through this, but I can not help the anger. He knows I am angry and he understands my side too. We are handling it the best we can.

Lopez is having a hard time handling this. He is so torn because it is his son and his daughter. He just does not know what to do. We went to see a chaplain. Luckily this is the same chaplain that will be going to his 5 week training in CA and his during his deployment to the Middle East.

I am angry because I have a family member who told me I "blew this out of proportion" and that Kevin was "just jealous of Giselly and that is why he did this". She told me that I am teaching Giselly that "sex is bad" by teaching her that it is "bad" to let other people to touch her private parts. While even the therapist told me that "bad" may have been the wrong choice in wording, she said that I have done everything right with Selly. What if Selly had not felt comfortable in coming and telling me. What if I had not believed her or worse yet ignored it? The same family member told me this behavior from Kevin was "normal". It is not normal it is sick.

Everyone is under the same assumption that most likely Kevin has been abused himself. Two therapist have told me that because he felt so comfortable to do this to Selly so fast (he had only been in our home for less than 24 hours), that most likely he has done this to another child before. One even said that if he does not receive treatment, he will become a pedophile. How the heck can this family member tell me I am "blowing this out of proportion". I do not think that the fact that he may have been abused himself is an excuse for what he has done. I still wish he had received some sort of punishment.

Another thing I am angry at. The social worker put on her paperwork that this whole thing happened due to "insufficient supervision". I am so hurt by this and angry, i want to smack the stupid SW. I already blame myself for this situation. I was just downstairs when it happened. I was probably sitting on the couch playing on the computer. I can't remember exactly what I was doing. I remember that on that day I was so excited to have a few minutes of peace and quiet while the boys kept Selly entertained upstairs. I was so glad that she was not asking me every five minutes to color, paint, ride her bike etc., that I never thought twice about her being upstairs by herself with her brothers. I know that I really didn't do anything wrong. Until this happened, I had no reason to believe that Giselly was in any danger. I should not have had to be worried about her being with her own brothers. In reality I already know this is not my fault, but the guilt still eats at me. I feel like the SW and CPS thinks that i am a bad mother and it kills me. "Insufficient Supervision" kills me. I am not the mom who sits at the playground and gossips with the other mothers. I follow my kids around to make sure they are not getting hurt and are where they are suppose to be. I am not the mother that lets her 3 year old run around the neighborhood all by herself, running in and out of other people's home. Yet I am now the one with that label. Lopez had to sign a paper that I would know the whereabouts of my younger children at all times, that I would keep the younger kids separated from the older boys, and that I understand during his training that I am responsible for the children 24/7. What the hell! Of course I realize that. I am angry he even signed the paper, but he really was in no frame of mind to fight it. I however have already called to demand a new SW and make my anger known. Even if in my own mind I am angry at myself for letting this happen, I just can not have that paper running around.

There was sex abuse in my family since I was at least 6-7 years old, if not younger. 6-7years old is just the first time I remember it. I believe I was abused earlier but have no concrete memories to prove it. The abuse was known about by adult members in my family and they did NOTHING to protect me, my sister or my cousins. They ALL chose to ignore the behavior because it was another child that did it. All they had to do was have the guts to "blow it out of proportion" and years later the other sex abuse would have never happened. Because they all chose to ignore the problem the wrong man was put in jail and the guilty one was free to keep abusing us. There is no telling how many children he actually abused because he had access to so many because not only was he a pedophile, he was a womanizer. His girlfriends almost always had children. I wonder if he abused them too?

My mind is such a jumble of anger, disbelief and sadness. It is so sad to hear my daughter keep asking me if it "is o.k. to touch her own private parts". Or when she told me that I couldn't pinch her cute little bootie anymore because that was her private parts (I know it is, but the pinching was something I have done since she was born). She used to be so free and now she makes sure the door is always closed when she changes her clothes so the boys can't see her.

Sorry if this blog was so mixed up.

I beg anyone who reads this to teach your children the proper names for their private parts, teach your children that their body is theirs and they are in charge of it. Let your children know that they can tell you anything, no matter how hard it is for them to tell you. If your child does disclose abuse BELIEVE THEM!! Most young children that disclose abuse are telling the TRUTH! Do not ignore the problem, do not sweep it under the rug. Even if they abuser does not receive any punishment like in our case, you have to PROTECT your child. It is not NORMAL for a 14 year old young man to abuse touch a 3 year old's vagina and make her touch his penis. If the abuser is a kid, most likely they have been abused themselves and they need help. Get your child into counseling, get yourself and your spouse into counseling. Don't make excuses for the abuser. Just because they had a rough life or were even abused in their own life does not give them the right to abuse others.

I have tons more I could post, tons more things I am thinking about this. I think right now I am so angry that I just don't even know what to say anymore. There is so much more to the story of what has gone on in the last two weeks, but my mind is too much of a mixed up mess. If you have read this far, thank you.

Motivated!

I am finally motivated by something healthy!!!  I have started walking!  I joined a program on post called Walk to Winn.  They set me up with a pedometer and I have to track my steps every day.  I go back every three weeks to be weighed and give them my totals for the previous 3 weeks.  

At first I was pretty motivated.  Then it rained for a week straight and I almost gave up.  We went to Target last weekend and I bought a DVD that had been recommended to me.  Leslie Sansone Walk to Lose Weight.  It is GREAT!  It helped me get back to walking and I have been doing awesome ever since!!!!  Selly likes to do the DVD with me too.  My initial goal was to hit 10,000 steps a day.  Yesterday I walked over 21,000 steps!!!!  I did everything I could think of to get those steps in.  I took an hour long walk with the kids, danced with Selly every time music came on during her shows (she is loving this), walked in place when I was doing stuff like feeding the baby, brushing my teeth, etc., I also pace when I am on the phone.  Selly loves to go on the walks with me.  I let her hop off the stroller and she runs ahead of me.  She also thinks it is hilarious to see me walking in circles around the house.  

Today I didn't get too many steps in, only a little over 15,000.  I joined a walk group online that has a way to track my steps.  I am going to start posting that on here.

The kids have been driving me nuts lately!!!  Jacob had diarrhea for about 8 days.  Doctor said he is fine.  He is walking every where now and getting into everything!  His new word is HEY!  He walks around hollering it until someone answers him.  He has been very affectionate lately and giving lots of kisses.  He actually cracks up laughing when he bugs me enough to make me close my laptop!

Giselly has been doing o.k.  Her attitude lately is killing me.  She has started screaming at the very top of her lungs when she does not get her own way.  She did it to me at the track the other day and it was all I could do not to scream back at her.  She did great at the park playdate we went on today.  Usually it takes her a while to warm up to the other kids and go play.  Today she hopped right in and played with no problem.  No crying or whining that no one wanted to be her friend.  We think she has an invisable friend.  She keeps referring to Grandpa and telling us all the things he has done with her, taught her, etc.  She does have a grandfather, Lopez dad, but he has never done any of the things she says.  She will pick flowers for grandpa, tell me grandpa taught her how to jump rope, grandpa taught her how to color, etc.  It is really cute.  

Lopez has been working his butt off literally!  He had to go to the field a few weeks ago and evn though I sent over $300 worth of food with him, he actually lost weight!  He is disappointed!  Isn't that crazy?  I am dying to lose weight and he wants to gain it!  They have been working him like a dog at this new unit.  I really can not stand them.  It is like they simply do not care about the soldiers or their families.  We can not plan anything M-F in the evenings since we never know what time he will get off.  He will get home anywhere from 7pm-12am.  It stinks!  He only got to see Jacob awake twice all week!  

I am doing good.  I finally got the results of my sleep study.  I do have sleep apnea.  I am suppose to get a CPAP machine, I am just waiting for them to get me set up.  

We are getting ready for the older boys to come visit.  Giselly is SOOOOO excited!  

Lopez and I went on a date this afternoon to Historic Savannah.  It was lovely!  We ate at Five Guys.  We love that place!  We had nice juicy hamburgers and greacy fries.  Then we walked around and looked in stores we would NEVER take the kids in.  We looked at some really cool art work.  Then we ended the date by eating some wonderful gelato.  We had to compare it to the real thing, since we have both eaten gelato in Italy.  It was really good!

That is if for now, I am pooped!  

Wow it has been a while!  I can't blame not posting on anything else except pure laziness!

I am so tired!  I had my sleep study done this past weekend.  It went well, but I don't think I had any gasping for air.  Not that I am aware of anyhow.  I actually slept pretty good because I was able to take my sleep medicine.  I have been doing really good not taking any, but I knew i would never go to sleep hooked up to all that crap without meds.

My doctor also wanted me to see a nutritionist.  The hospital here has a nutrition class, so they sent me to that.  It was a really good class and the instructor was awesome!  I learned quite a bit.  I hope I can follow the things they said.  I have a ton of weight to lose, about 75-85 lbs!  I also joined a walking program here on post.  I have to go in next week to get set up with a pedometer.  I think they said the goal is to walk 10,000 steps a day!  That seems nearly impossible right now, so we shall see.  The program is a motivator though because I will have to go back into the doctors office for them to check my progress.

Lopez is suppose to be going to the field in the next week or so.  His unit is driving us NUTS!  They have changed the date of the field exercise so many times.  I swear they don't know what the heck they are doing!  First he was leaving on the 6th of May and staying for a month.  Then it was the 18th and staying for 2 weeks and now it is the 10th, staying for a week.  AGH!!!!  It is so hard to plan anything!  

Honestly I was kinda looking forward to Lopez leaving.  Sounds horrible I know.  The reason I say that is because I wanted to get a jump start on this diet without having to worry about feeding him the same old stuff and trying to cook healthy for me.  He has already said he can't follow a few of the diet things, like no starches for dinner.  Plus I was hoping to have a month to get Selly sleeping in her own bed.  I have given up for now and have been letting her sleep in the bed with us.  Bad I know, but the fighting with her every night was getting very old.  The third reason was that I would get to have the car for a whole month!  I go a little stir crazy sometimes with only one car.  

The kiddos are doing good.  Jacob has about 5 teeth coming in, so the poor little guy has been miserable!  He has also started taking a few steps.  He still crawls most of the time, but he is getting braver.

Giselly is bored to death.  I am trying hard to keep her entertained, but I am so tired all the time.  I have to force myself to get her outside.  We have had some friends over for her to play with about once a week, so that helps.  I am working on it.  I plan on starting her "learning" again, she loves it so much.  

I took a HUGE step with my Discovery Toys business last week.  I bought almost $400 in inventory!!  I still need to get on the ball with the parties and stuff.  I figured the inventory would help motivate me to get out there and get it sold!  

Sorry this one was kinda boring.  Nothing too exciting has been going on.

stuff

Sorry it's been a while.  It's not like I am soooooo busy, I just keep forgetting to post!

My step-son Javy has been with us the last week and half.  It has been a very nice visit, Javy is a sweet boy.  He is very helpful and loves to play with the kids.  He has been such a big helper with the kids.

Things with Lopez job have really sucked.  He has been working so late every evening.  He didn't get home until 10pm last Thursday!!   I was so angry.  If they were actually doing work, it wouldn't be so bad, but they were just sitting around twiddling their thumbs.  We knew that this sort of thing happened in the Army, but it still makes us mad. 

We had a very nice Easter.  It was very quiet.  We went to one of Lopez's co-workers house for a birthday party and Easter Egg hunt.   Selly had a ball.  It was a nice day.  On Easter Sunday, i fixed a simple dinner and we had one of Lopez' friends over.  

We think we have decided that I will not be going back to work for now.  We only have about 6-7 months before he deploys.  I am afraid that a job would make it near impossible for me to spend time with him before he leaves.  I was going to do a home daycare, but I am not so sure my nerves can handle that right now.  So for now I will focus on Discovery Toys.  I know I won't become rich off of it, but a few extra bucks a month can't hurt.  

As for Discovery Toys, my first party was a bust.  I only sold one thing and it was only 18.50.  I am doind me best to make my next party a success.  I have walded around my neighborhood 2 times to ask complete strangers to come!  Lopez has also been asking his female com-workers for me.  So far I have 5-6 people coming.  So hopefully it will go better than the first party.  I really want to make this work so I can make a little extra money.

I had a doctors appointment today and explained all my problems.  My main complaint was being exhausted all the time.  I also explained how I wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I am gasping for breath and my heart is beating super fast.  The NP thinks I have sleep apnea.  She is sending me for a sleep study.  This is no surprise to me because when I had Selly the oxygen sensor they put on me kept beeping like crazy while I was sleeping because my oxygen level kept dropping.  They wanted to do a sleep study then, but I had a newborn baby and refused.  The NP thinks that the sleep apnea the cause of many of my problems even the anxiety and weight gain.  I am excited that there may be an end in sight to some of my issues.  

Well Jacob is freaking out, gotta go for now.

I thought I was wound too tight

I am in several online mommy message boards.  Moms go there to ask questions, talk, whine, swap recipes, etc.  Today a lady in one of them was extremely upset and beside herself because her third grader got a "c" in one of his classes.  Are you kidding me!!!!!  That is absolutely ridiculous.  I feel so sorry for that kid that he has to deal with a mom who is wound so tight that she cries over a flipping average grade.  I guess the kid is suppose to be a genius or something and the mom was in shock over this grade.  

Everyday when I am going about my daily routines, I get to thinking about this blog. I just never have the time to get on here.  Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about the pressure we put on ourselves to be the perfect mom, wife, co-worker etc.  I put this pressure on myself and I realize that I fail miserably at every roll I have.  I try, I really do, but somehow I always fall short.  Somedays the guilt eats me alive and some days, like when I see that woman bent out of shape over a "c" grade I think I am doing o.k.

So I have been thinking about being a little bit more open and honest with this blog.  I won't spill all our dirty laundry or anything like that.  If I feel comfortable to post stuff on Facebook, I think it is o.k. to post it on here :).  

Here is the deal.  I yell too much at my kids. I don't wear a bra when I am at home, which led to two embarrassing moments today.  I fed my kids hotdogs for 2 different meals today, but am proud to say they did eat at least two servings of fruit today.  My bedroom looks like a laundry basket threw up in it and my husband couldn't find a clean pair of underwear today (not sure what he did about that, not sure I want to know).  Giselly has to beg me to do her "learning" with her every day.  I have to fake it till I make just about every morning because I am so not a morning person.  I think my husband hates my insomnia more than I do.  I feel guilty for never going to bed at the same time my husband does. I hate that my husband does not understand that falling asleep is not as easy for me as it is for him.  I have to be medicated to fall asleep. I am trying to wean myself off prescription sleep aids so I started taking more natural sleep aids.  My husband desperately wants a dog but all I can think about is all the extra work the darn thing will be for me when he goes to the field and/or gets deployed.  I would rather cut off my left arm then get the dog.  I feel guilty for being a bad wife and mom so I will probably let them get the dog and just suffer.  I am so glad my husband has a job that can provide for us, but I really miss his help around the house and with the kids.  My husband is a great father, but it drives me nuts when he doesn't do things my way.  My husband told me the other day that I don't have an anxiety issue, but an anger issue.  Sometimes my kids drive me so crazy that my heart starts racing and I feel like it is going to pop out of my chest, at these times Xanax is my best friend.  

My life is not perfect, but I am glad to know that I am not the only crazy one out there.  After all that mom is about to lose her mind over a "c".  

One thing I have started doing is making a monthly menu to help with our budget.  I am going to start posting it here to give other moms ideas.  I will post in a few days because I have to redo mine a little because in the rush at the commissary the other day, I missed about 10 things on my list.  

Just hanging out

It's been a while.  I keep forgetting to post :).  

I have decided to start Discovery Toys again.  I am really excited about it and really nervous at the same time.  I love that it is a way to make some extra money and I love the products.  I am nervous because I always have lots of great ideas, but I never can seem to execute them.  I get very nervous at the parties.  I get all tongue tied and forget what I need to say.  Things are a little harder now then when I started DT the first time because I don't know anyone.  However, the customer base here is huge!  There are so many families here with children, I just have to figure out how to reach them.  I already have 3 parties of my own planned between April 9th and the 1st of May.  My goal is to schedule at least 4 parties in May, get one recruit and sell $500 in May.  My goals for June are to book 5 parties, get two recruits and sell $750.

Lopez and I watched Fireproof last night.  I think this is a great movie for married or engaged couples to watch.  The acting was kinda bad, but the message was great.  This is a Christian based movie, but I think even people who are not religious can benefit from it.  It shows how to "fireproof" your marriage.  It is about husband and wife whose marriage is on the brink of divorce.  They get so busy with their own lives that they forget about their love for each other.  It takes a book called the Love Dare to bring them back together.  There is also a book called the Love Dare, I think the movie is based on it.  I bought the book for Lopez and I to read.  The Love Dare is a manual on how to treat your spouse.  It helps you remember why you fell in love with your spouse to begin with.  I am really exicted about reading the book.  I don't think our marriage is in any trouble, but I think the book can only make us stronger.

We had a huge storm here at Fort Stewart today!  It poured buckets!  There was even a tornado warning.  I kinda like storms though.  I like to listen to the thunder and rain.  I am a little worried about Selly's little garden she planted though.  I think the flowers will drown.  She will be heart broken.

Selly had her first official playdate at Ft. Stewart yesterday.  I think it went really well.  They played with Jacob's dinosaur of all things, made lunchbag puppets and drank yogurt through silly straws.  Selly was soooooo excited to show the little girl her bedroom.  Unfortunately they woke Jacob in the process, which didn't make me very happy.  

We also went back to the Tree House yesterday.  Giselly and Jacob had a ball!  Lopez talked Giselly though climbing to the 3rd level.  She was so proud of herself!  

How could I forget the new bike!!!  Giselly got a new  bike this week.  A big girl's bike!  It has training wheels of course, but she is so very proud of it.  It is a pink Barbie bike with tassels and a bell.  Problem is she can't figure out how to pedal.  She just can't figure it out and Lopez and I can't figure out how to teach her.  

Jacob is still nuts as usual.  He is a stubborn baby.  He barely has any words.  He says, "mama", "dada", "ut oh", and we think he says "thank you".  He is still not walking either.  We keep practicing, but he is just content to crawl.  We have decided to decorate his room in cars and trucks.  We bought a cute comforter set the other day, but that is as far as we have gotten.  I hope to paint one wall in his room blue and get some wall stickers like we did for Selly's room.  Lopez is not to thrilled about the painting.  I told him just to tape the wall for me and I will paint.

We are contemplating a dog.  Not sure if I have posted about this before.  Lopez and Giselly really want a dog but I do not.  We had a friend offer to give us their dog because they can't take care of it anymore.  It is already house trained, spade, and is up to date on her shots.  I want to make my family happy, but I am not sure I can handle the extra responsibility, so we shall see.  We did go to Petsmart today to look at their dog pens for the back yard.  There were so many dogs in there!  There was a great dane that was taller than Giselly!!  It was HUGE!   Oh the dog the friends want to give us is a boxer.  It is really pretty and well behaved.  I will post about our decision whenever we make it :). 

Well I will end this for now.