Long, hard, summer

Wow, this has been a long, hard, summer! With only a few days of the summer left, I am sitting here amazed that we got through it.

Giselly is doing wonderfully after her ordeal in June. She only had to go to counseling a few times and they said she was doing so well, we could stop bringing her. Occasionally she still asks about Kevin or says things like "it's o.k. ot touch my own privates, right mommy". Or she asks me why Javy likes Jacob better than her. After what happened with Kevin, Javy was terrified to be around Selly. He was kinda mean to her and that just plain pissed me off. There wasn't much I could do though.

Lopez went to CA for 35 days for NTC, which is the training they go through before deployment. I had a very hard time for the first 4 weeks. I was severely depressed. I tried very hard to get the kids out of the house once or twice a week, but I generally wanted to stay home and not see anyone. I did make really good friends with my neighbor and we would sit outside when it cooled down in the evenings and let Selly and her son play. That helped me tremendously.

Lopez came home a few days ago and I have never been more happy to see him! NTC was so hard, I can't imagine how hard the actual deployment will be. For now we are enjoying out time with him home, because it is very short.

don't even know how to title this- it's long

It has been quite a while since I last posted and I wish I had good things to post. In the last two weeks my world has fallen apart.

On June 24th, Giselly came to me and told me that her brother Kevin touched her "tooshy" and made her touch his penis. I had no idea what to do. At first I thought I would confront Kevin, but I held back. I asked Selly again what happened and she repeated her story. I was horrified. Luckily Lopez called soon after she told me. I told him what happened. He was so mad. After we hung up, I called the Sex Abuse Hotline and asked what I should do next. They told me to take her to the doctor ASAP. I called Lopez and told him what they said. He siad he was already on his way home with 2 of his Sgt's with him. They were afraid that he would beat Kevin when he got home.

When he got home he confronted Kevin in front of his Sgt's. Kevin of course denied doing anything wrong. Lopez was very calm with Kevin.

I took Selly to the E.R. that evening. She acted as nothing had happened. She was jumping around, laughing, playing with the other children in the E.R. waiting room. All the while I was so calm it was bizarre. When we finally got back to the room, Giselly was still happy and jumping around. We played hokey pokey and Simon Says while waiting to be seen. At first the pediatric Nurse Practitioner said to being Selly back in the morning. Then she called right as we were walking out the door and said she would be in to see Selly that night because she couldn't sleep knwing I was so worried about Selly.

Then the Social Worker showed up. She asked Selly to draw a picture of her family. She drew Kevin and Javy as monsters with "angry" faces. She drew the rest of us the way she always draws people. When the SW asked her what had happened with Kevin the child that was just jumping all over the place put her hands in her face and hid. She hid the whole time I relayed what she had told me.

Another SW came in and the same thing, the bouncy happy child coward in her hands. The NP finally showed up and the same thing. It was heart breaking. The NP did a quick exam to see if there was any physical trauma and Thank God there was not, there was no penetration. We left the E.R. at 1am.

Selly acted like this with every person that spoke to her until we saw a Social Worker who is trained in interviewing children for abuse cases. In a room by herself and the SW being video taped, Selly told what happened. I have not been told exactly what she said and I have not been able to see the video. From what I have been told, she told the SW about the same thing she told me the first evening.

Kevin was interviewed later the same day (I think, the days are running together). They interviewed him for 4 hours. He denied it to the very end and finally admitted what happened. The investigator said that he basically said the same thing Selly did in her interview.

The anger is eating my alive. At first I was like a zombie. I showed no emotion for probably the first 4-5 days. None. I was worried that I was not showing the "proper" emotions that a mother should show when this type of thing happens. I always thought that if I were put in this situation that I would at least yell, if not kill someone that had touched my child like this. I did nothing. I did not even confront Kevin until the night before he went home and even then I was completely composed, never even raised my voice or gave him the stink eye.

Now I am a ball of anger. I am so freaking mad I can barely stand it. Any little thing sets me off into tears. I am angry that God let this happen to my child. I prayed every night for God to protect my babies and He let this happened. I prayed that my children would never know any sort of abuse and here we are. I had someone tell me that god would get me through this. Why didn't God keep me and my baby from this situation in the first place. Why did my child deserve this? Why do Lopez and I deserve this?

Giselly is still acting o.k. There are a few things that were/are worrying me, but for the most part i think she is fine. She said to me that "Kevin didn't know it was bad to touch private parts". It makes me happy and sad to hear that. Happy only because it seems like she thinks this was an accident, not something done "to her" on purpose. Sad because of the same reason. I know that does not make any sense, but that is how I feel. I want her to forget this ever happened and I think she will. I am not sure Lopez and I will ever forget.

I am angry because Kevin received not one bit of punishment. NOTHING. I mean he didn't even get yelled at by his father or me. NOTHING. I did not want him to go to jail. I wanted him to at least get community service. Honestly I have absolutely no idea what happened in the investigation except for my part in it. Lopez handled the rest of it and for that I am angry at him. I am angry that he did not push for punishment. He only pushed to get Kevin out of here ASAP. Don't get me wrong, I COMPLETELY feel for him and understand where he is coming from. Kevin is his child and even though he has done something horrible, Lopez still wants to protect him too. I understand this, but I am still so freaking angry!! I love my husband dearly and I know we will get through this, but I can not help the anger. He knows I am angry and he understands my side too. We are handling it the best we can.

Lopez is having a hard time handling this. He is so torn because it is his son and his daughter. He just does not know what to do. We went to see a chaplain. Luckily this is the same chaplain that will be going to his 5 week training in CA and his during his deployment to the Middle East.

I am angry because I have a family member who told me I "blew this out of proportion" and that Kevin was "just jealous of Giselly and that is why he did this". She told me that I am teaching Giselly that "sex is bad" by teaching her that it is "bad" to let other people to touch her private parts. While even the therapist told me that "bad" may have been the wrong choice in wording, she said that I have done everything right with Selly. What if Selly had not felt comfortable in coming and telling me. What if I had not believed her or worse yet ignored it? The same family member told me this behavior from Kevin was "normal". It is not normal it is sick.

Everyone is under the same assumption that most likely Kevin has been abused himself. Two therapist have told me that because he felt so comfortable to do this to Selly so fast (he had only been in our home for less than 24 hours), that most likely he has done this to another child before. One even said that if he does not receive treatment, he will become a pedophile. How the heck can this family member tell me I am "blowing this out of proportion". I do not think that the fact that he may have been abused himself is an excuse for what he has done. I still wish he had received some sort of punishment.

Another thing I am angry at. The social worker put on her paperwork that this whole thing happened due to "insufficient supervision". I am so hurt by this and angry, i want to smack the stupid SW. I already blame myself for this situation. I was just downstairs when it happened. I was probably sitting on the couch playing on the computer. I can't remember exactly what I was doing. I remember that on that day I was so excited to have a few minutes of peace and quiet while the boys kept Selly entertained upstairs. I was so glad that she was not asking me every five minutes to color, paint, ride her bike etc., that I never thought twice about her being upstairs by herself with her brothers. I know that I really didn't do anything wrong. Until this happened, I had no reason to believe that Giselly was in any danger. I should not have had to be worried about her being with her own brothers. In reality I already know this is not my fault, but the guilt still eats at me. I feel like the SW and CPS thinks that i am a bad mother and it kills me. "Insufficient Supervision" kills me. I am not the mom who sits at the playground and gossips with the other mothers. I follow my kids around to make sure they are not getting hurt and are where they are suppose to be. I am not the mother that lets her 3 year old run around the neighborhood all by herself, running in and out of other people's home. Yet I am now the one with that label. Lopez had to sign a paper that I would know the whereabouts of my younger children at all times, that I would keep the younger kids separated from the older boys, and that I understand during his training that I am responsible for the children 24/7. What the hell! Of course I realize that. I am angry he even signed the paper, but he really was in no frame of mind to fight it. I however have already called to demand a new SW and make my anger known. Even if in my own mind I am angry at myself for letting this happen, I just can not have that paper running around.

There was sex abuse in my family since I was at least 6-7 years old, if not younger. 6-7years old is just the first time I remember it. I believe I was abused earlier but have no concrete memories to prove it. The abuse was known about by adult members in my family and they did NOTHING to protect me, my sister or my cousins. They ALL chose to ignore the behavior because it was another child that did it. All they had to do was have the guts to "blow it out of proportion" and years later the other sex abuse would have never happened. Because they all chose to ignore the problem the wrong man was put in jail and the guilty one was free to keep abusing us. There is no telling how many children he actually abused because he had access to so many because not only was he a pedophile, he was a womanizer. His girlfriends almost always had children. I wonder if he abused them too?

My mind is such a jumble of anger, disbelief and sadness. It is so sad to hear my daughter keep asking me if it "is o.k. to touch her own private parts". Or when she told me that I couldn't pinch her cute little bootie anymore because that was her private parts (I know it is, but the pinching was something I have done since she was born). She used to be so free and now she makes sure the door is always closed when she changes her clothes so the boys can't see her.

Sorry if this blog was so mixed up.

I beg anyone who reads this to teach your children the proper names for their private parts, teach your children that their body is theirs and they are in charge of it. Let your children know that they can tell you anything, no matter how hard it is for them to tell you. If your child does disclose abuse BELIEVE THEM!! Most young children that disclose abuse are telling the TRUTH! Do not ignore the problem, do not sweep it under the rug. Even if they abuser does not receive any punishment like in our case, you have to PROTECT your child. It is not NORMAL for a 14 year old young man to abuse touch a 3 year old's vagina and make her touch his penis. If the abuser is a kid, most likely they have been abused themselves and they need help. Get your child into counseling, get yourself and your spouse into counseling. Don't make excuses for the abuser. Just because they had a rough life or were even abused in their own life does not give them the right to abuse others.

I have tons more I could post, tons more things I am thinking about this. I think right now I am so angry that I just don't even know what to say anymore. There is so much more to the story of what has gone on in the last two weeks, but my mind is too much of a mixed up mess. If you have read this far, thank you.

Motivated!

I am finally motivated by something healthy!!!  I have started walking!  I joined a program on post called Walk to Winn.  They set me up with a pedometer and I have to track my steps every day.  I go back every three weeks to be weighed and give them my totals for the previous 3 weeks.  

At first I was pretty motivated.  Then it rained for a week straight and I almost gave up.  We went to Target last weekend and I bought a DVD that had been recommended to me.  Leslie Sansone Walk to Lose Weight.  It is GREAT!  It helped me get back to walking and I have been doing awesome ever since!!!!  Selly likes to do the DVD with me too.  My initial goal was to hit 10,000 steps a day.  Yesterday I walked over 21,000 steps!!!!  I did everything I could think of to get those steps in.  I took an hour long walk with the kids, danced with Selly every time music came on during her shows (she is loving this), walked in place when I was doing stuff like feeding the baby, brushing my teeth, etc., I also pace when I am on the phone.  Selly loves to go on the walks with me.  I let her hop off the stroller and she runs ahead of me.  She also thinks it is hilarious to see me walking in circles around the house.  

Today I didn't get too many steps in, only a little over 15,000.  I joined a walk group online that has a way to track my steps.  I am going to start posting that on here.

The kids have been driving me nuts lately!!!  Jacob had diarrhea for about 8 days.  Doctor said he is fine.  He is walking every where now and getting into everything!  His new word is HEY!  He walks around hollering it until someone answers him.  He has been very affectionate lately and giving lots of kisses.  He actually cracks up laughing when he bugs me enough to make me close my laptop!

Giselly has been doing o.k.  Her attitude lately is killing me.  She has started screaming at the very top of her lungs when she does not get her own way.  She did it to me at the track the other day and it was all I could do not to scream back at her.  She did great at the park playdate we went on today.  Usually it takes her a while to warm up to the other kids and go play.  Today she hopped right in and played with no problem.  No crying or whining that no one wanted to be her friend.  We think she has an invisable friend.  She keeps referring to Grandpa and telling us all the things he has done with her, taught her, etc.  She does have a grandfather, Lopez dad, but he has never done any of the things she says.  She will pick flowers for grandpa, tell me grandpa taught her how to jump rope, grandpa taught her how to color, etc.  It is really cute.  

Lopez has been working his butt off literally!  He had to go to the field a few weeks ago and evn though I sent over $300 worth of food with him, he actually lost weight!  He is disappointed!  Isn't that crazy?  I am dying to lose weight and he wants to gain it!  They have been working him like a dog at this new unit.  I really can not stand them.  It is like they simply do not care about the soldiers or their families.  We can not plan anything M-F in the evenings since we never know what time he will get off.  He will get home anywhere from 7pm-12am.  It stinks!  He only got to see Jacob awake twice all week!  

I am doing good.  I finally got the results of my sleep study.  I do have sleep apnea.  I am suppose to get a CPAP machine, I am just waiting for them to get me set up.  

We are getting ready for the older boys to come visit.  Giselly is SOOOOO excited!  

Lopez and I went on a date this afternoon to Historic Savannah.  It was lovely!  We ate at Five Guys.  We love that place!  We had nice juicy hamburgers and greacy fries.  Then we walked around and looked in stores we would NEVER take the kids in.  We looked at some really cool art work.  Then we ended the date by eating some wonderful gelato.  We had to compare it to the real thing, since we have both eaten gelato in Italy.  It was really good!

That is if for now, I am pooped!  

Wow it has been a while!  I can't blame not posting on anything else except pure laziness!

I am so tired!  I had my sleep study done this past weekend.  It went well, but I don't think I had any gasping for air.  Not that I am aware of anyhow.  I actually slept pretty good because I was able to take my sleep medicine.  I have been doing really good not taking any, but I knew i would never go to sleep hooked up to all that crap without meds.

My doctor also wanted me to see a nutritionist.  The hospital here has a nutrition class, so they sent me to that.  It was a really good class and the instructor was awesome!  I learned quite a bit.  I hope I can follow the things they said.  I have a ton of weight to lose, about 75-85 lbs!  I also joined a walking program here on post.  I have to go in next week to get set up with a pedometer.  I think they said the goal is to walk 10,000 steps a day!  That seems nearly impossible right now, so we shall see.  The program is a motivator though because I will have to go back into the doctors office for them to check my progress.

Lopez is suppose to be going to the field in the next week or so.  His unit is driving us NUTS!  They have changed the date of the field exercise so many times.  I swear they don't know what the heck they are doing!  First he was leaving on the 6th of May and staying for a month.  Then it was the 18th and staying for 2 weeks and now it is the 10th, staying for a week.  AGH!!!!  It is so hard to plan anything!  

Honestly I was kinda looking forward to Lopez leaving.  Sounds horrible I know.  The reason I say that is because I wanted to get a jump start on this diet without having to worry about feeding him the same old stuff and trying to cook healthy for me.  He has already said he can't follow a few of the diet things, like no starches for dinner.  Plus I was hoping to have a month to get Selly sleeping in her own bed.  I have given up for now and have been letting her sleep in the bed with us.  Bad I know, but the fighting with her every night was getting very old.  The third reason was that I would get to have the car for a whole month!  I go a little stir crazy sometimes with only one car.  

The kiddos are doing good.  Jacob has about 5 teeth coming in, so the poor little guy has been miserable!  He has also started taking a few steps.  He still crawls most of the time, but he is getting braver.

Giselly is bored to death.  I am trying hard to keep her entertained, but I am so tired all the time.  I have to force myself to get her outside.  We have had some friends over for her to play with about once a week, so that helps.  I am working on it.  I plan on starting her "learning" again, she loves it so much.  

I took a HUGE step with my Discovery Toys business last week.  I bought almost $400 in inventory!!  I still need to get on the ball with the parties and stuff.  I figured the inventory would help motivate me to get out there and get it sold!  

Sorry this one was kinda boring.  Nothing too exciting has been going on.

stuff

Sorry it's been a while.  It's not like I am soooooo busy, I just keep forgetting to post!

My step-son Javy has been with us the last week and half.  It has been a very nice visit, Javy is a sweet boy.  He is very helpful and loves to play with the kids.  He has been such a big helper with the kids.

Things with Lopez job have really sucked.  He has been working so late every evening.  He didn't get home until 10pm last Thursday!!   I was so angry.  If they were actually doing work, it wouldn't be so bad, but they were just sitting around twiddling their thumbs.  We knew that this sort of thing happened in the Army, but it still makes us mad. 

We had a very nice Easter.  It was very quiet.  We went to one of Lopez's co-workers house for a birthday party and Easter Egg hunt.   Selly had a ball.  It was a nice day.  On Easter Sunday, i fixed a simple dinner and we had one of Lopez' friends over.  

We think we have decided that I will not be going back to work for now.  We only have about 6-7 months before he deploys.  I am afraid that a job would make it near impossible for me to spend time with him before he leaves.  I was going to do a home daycare, but I am not so sure my nerves can handle that right now.  So for now I will focus on Discovery Toys.  I know I won't become rich off of it, but a few extra bucks a month can't hurt.  

As for Discovery Toys, my first party was a bust.  I only sold one thing and it was only 18.50.  I am doind me best to make my next party a success.  I have walded around my neighborhood 2 times to ask complete strangers to come!  Lopez has also been asking his female com-workers for me.  So far I have 5-6 people coming.  So hopefully it will go better than the first party.  I really want to make this work so I can make a little extra money.

I had a doctors appointment today and explained all my problems.  My main complaint was being exhausted all the time.  I also explained how I wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I am gasping for breath and my heart is beating super fast.  The NP thinks I have sleep apnea.  She is sending me for a sleep study.  This is no surprise to me because when I had Selly the oxygen sensor they put on me kept beeping like crazy while I was sleeping because my oxygen level kept dropping.  They wanted to do a sleep study then, but I had a newborn baby and refused.  The NP thinks that the sleep apnea the cause of many of my problems even the anxiety and weight gain.  I am excited that there may be an end in sight to some of my issues.  

Well Jacob is freaking out, gotta go for now.

I thought I was wound too tight

I am in several online mommy message boards.  Moms go there to ask questions, talk, whine, swap recipes, etc.  Today a lady in one of them was extremely upset and beside herself because her third grader got a "c" in one of his classes.  Are you kidding me!!!!!  That is absolutely ridiculous.  I feel so sorry for that kid that he has to deal with a mom who is wound so tight that she cries over a flipping average grade.  I guess the kid is suppose to be a genius or something and the mom was in shock over this grade.  

Everyday when I am going about my daily routines, I get to thinking about this blog. I just never have the time to get on here.  Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about the pressure we put on ourselves to be the perfect mom, wife, co-worker etc.  I put this pressure on myself and I realize that I fail miserably at every roll I have.  I try, I really do, but somehow I always fall short.  Somedays the guilt eats me alive and some days, like when I see that woman bent out of shape over a "c" grade I think I am doing o.k.

So I have been thinking about being a little bit more open and honest with this blog.  I won't spill all our dirty laundry or anything like that.  If I feel comfortable to post stuff on Facebook, I think it is o.k. to post it on here :).  

Here is the deal.  I yell too much at my kids. I don't wear a bra when I am at home, which led to two embarrassing moments today.  I fed my kids hotdogs for 2 different meals today, but am proud to say they did eat at least two servings of fruit today.  My bedroom looks like a laundry basket threw up in it and my husband couldn't find a clean pair of underwear today (not sure what he did about that, not sure I want to know).  Giselly has to beg me to do her "learning" with her every day.  I have to fake it till I make just about every morning because I am so not a morning person.  I think my husband hates my insomnia more than I do.  I feel guilty for never going to bed at the same time my husband does. I hate that my husband does not understand that falling asleep is not as easy for me as it is for him.  I have to be medicated to fall asleep. I am trying to wean myself off prescription sleep aids so I started taking more natural sleep aids.  My husband desperately wants a dog but all I can think about is all the extra work the darn thing will be for me when he goes to the field and/or gets deployed.  I would rather cut off my left arm then get the dog.  I feel guilty for being a bad wife and mom so I will probably let them get the dog and just suffer.  I am so glad my husband has a job that can provide for us, but I really miss his help around the house and with the kids.  My husband is a great father, but it drives me nuts when he doesn't do things my way.  My husband told me the other day that I don't have an anxiety issue, but an anger issue.  Sometimes my kids drive me so crazy that my heart starts racing and I feel like it is going to pop out of my chest, at these times Xanax is my best friend.  

My life is not perfect, but I am glad to know that I am not the only crazy one out there.  After all that mom is about to lose her mind over a "c".  

One thing I have started doing is making a monthly menu to help with our budget.  I am going to start posting it here to give other moms ideas.  I will post in a few days because I have to redo mine a little because in the rush at the commissary the other day, I missed about 10 things on my list.  

Just hanging out

It's been a while.  I keep forgetting to post :).  

I have decided to start Discovery Toys again.  I am really excited about it and really nervous at the same time.  I love that it is a way to make some extra money and I love the products.  I am nervous because I always have lots of great ideas, but I never can seem to execute them.  I get very nervous at the parties.  I get all tongue tied and forget what I need to say.  Things are a little harder now then when I started DT the first time because I don't know anyone.  However, the customer base here is huge!  There are so many families here with children, I just have to figure out how to reach them.  I already have 3 parties of my own planned between April 9th and the 1st of May.  My goal is to schedule at least 4 parties in May, get one recruit and sell $500 in May.  My goals for June are to book 5 parties, get two recruits and sell $750.

Lopez and I watched Fireproof last night.  I think this is a great movie for married or engaged couples to watch.  The acting was kinda bad, but the message was great.  This is a Christian based movie, but I think even people who are not religious can benefit from it.  It shows how to "fireproof" your marriage.  It is about husband and wife whose marriage is on the brink of divorce.  They get so busy with their own lives that they forget about their love for each other.  It takes a book called the Love Dare to bring them back together.  There is also a book called the Love Dare, I think the movie is based on it.  I bought the book for Lopez and I to read.  The Love Dare is a manual on how to treat your spouse.  It helps you remember why you fell in love with your spouse to begin with.  I am really exicted about reading the book.  I don't think our marriage is in any trouble, but I think the book can only make us stronger.

We had a huge storm here at Fort Stewart today!  It poured buckets!  There was even a tornado warning.  I kinda like storms though.  I like to listen to the thunder and rain.  I am a little worried about Selly's little garden she planted though.  I think the flowers will drown.  She will be heart broken.

Selly had her first official playdate at Ft. Stewart yesterday.  I think it went really well.  They played with Jacob's dinosaur of all things, made lunchbag puppets and drank yogurt through silly straws.  Selly was soooooo excited to show the little girl her bedroom.  Unfortunately they woke Jacob in the process, which didn't make me very happy.  

We also went back to the Tree House yesterday.  Giselly and Jacob had a ball!  Lopez talked Giselly though climbing to the 3rd level.  She was so proud of herself!  

How could I forget the new bike!!!  Giselly got a new  bike this week.  A big girl's bike!  It has training wheels of course, but she is so very proud of it.  It is a pink Barbie bike with tassels and a bell.  Problem is she can't figure out how to pedal.  She just can't figure it out and Lopez and I can't figure out how to teach her.  

Jacob is still nuts as usual.  He is a stubborn baby.  He barely has any words.  He says, "mama", "dada", "ut oh", and we think he says "thank you".  He is still not walking either.  We keep practicing, but he is just content to crawl.  We have decided to decorate his room in cars and trucks.  We bought a cute comforter set the other day, but that is as far as we have gotten.  I hope to paint one wall in his room blue and get some wall stickers like we did for Selly's room.  Lopez is not to thrilled about the painting.  I told him just to tape the wall for me and I will paint.

We are contemplating a dog.  Not sure if I have posted about this before.  Lopez and Giselly really want a dog but I do not.  We had a friend offer to give us their dog because they can't take care of it anymore.  It is already house trained, spade, and is up to date on her shots.  I want to make my family happy, but I am not sure I can handle the extra responsibility, so we shall see.  We did go to Petsmart today to look at their dog pens for the back yard.  There were so many dogs in there!  There was a great dane that was taller than Giselly!!  It was HUGE!   Oh the dog the friends want to give us is a boxer.  It is really pretty and well behaved.  I will post about our decision whenever we make it :). 

Well I will end this for now.  

Getting used to the schedule

This week has been kind of tough.  Before Lopez went to training, I was used to him being home by 5:15ish every evening.  His new unit told him to expect late evenings and I am not to thrilled about that.  It is hard for me to get used to the schedule.  It has totally messed me up.  I am used to having dinner ready at 5:30, eat, relax a bit, bathe the kiddos and then bedtime at 7.  Well I can't put them to bed at 7 if he is just walking through the door.  I want them to get to see him as much as possible.  They totally adore him.  Not to mention that I am starving at 5pm, but I want to wait and eat with him.  

I am trying to adjust.  I start dinner later, but still feed the kids around 5:30-6 because they are hungry then too.  Then I eat with Lopez when he gets home.  I sneak a few bites of the kids meal or eat a salad to hold me over until he gets here.  I just think it stinks for him to have to eat by himself.  I don't know why it is so hard for me to do things on my own.  I have been doing it for the last 6 months.  I will have to do it for an entire year when he gets deployed.  I just get so anxious and aggravated.  By 5:30 I am about to lose my mind.

I am very excited though because he starts a 10 vacation tomorrow.  The army gives soldiers 10 days to get their family settled in housing.  He just had to wait to get settled into his unit first.  We don't have any travel plans, just getting the house put together.  Mainly putting all the clothes away that I have been avoiding like the plague. 

I have been trying very hard to stay off the computer.  Somedays it is my only link to the outside world, so it is difficult.  I have been taking the kids to the park the whole week.  They have had so much fun!  We have a park right behind our house, but we have been walking to one that is a little further away.  That way I get in some exercise.  The parks are not really design for Jacob, but he has fun anyhow.  He won't stay in the stroller or let me hold him, so I bit the bullet and let him play in the wood chips lining the playground.  He tastes a few, but is pretty good about not eating them.  

You know what else stinks?  We only have one car now.  I am so not used to that!!!  The only thing keeping me sane is that fact that we bought a new stroller.  It is one of those Sit and Stand ones.  So far Giselly actually stays on it, so that is nice!  With it I am able to walk to the park and if I ever remember to get my i.d. out of the car before Lopez leaves, we can go to the shoppette.  Big deal huh?  Well when you are stuck in the house with no transportation, the shoppette seems like a lot of fun.  

Tomorrow is our 5th anniversary!!  I can't believe that it has been that long!  We have been through so much the last 3 years alone, the time has flown by!  I know things can only get better and I am really looking forward to the future.  Lopez and I follow the Golden Rule in our marriage and it has served us well.  We treat each other the way we want to be treated.  We never yell at each other, call names, or talk down to one another.  Of course we get angry at each other, but we are really good about talking things through.    It makes me sad to know that people treat their spouses so bad.  I can't imagine treating him bad or speaking ugly to him.  I am so blessed to be married to him.  He makes me feel beautiful even when I look a hot mess, he never makes me feel stupid for my crazy ideas (I have a lot :)), and he really listens to me.  

I think that is all for tonight.  A lot of rambling as usual :).

We have our stuff!

We got all our stuff on Friday morning.  We have spent the last two days unpacking.  We have almost everything put away except for our clothes, we are both avoiding it like the plague.  

We had a really nice weekend.  We went to Savannah yesterday to hit up the Target.  We were on the hunt for nice stuff for Selly's room.  We wanted to make her room really cute so maybe she will actually sleep in it!  We found a really cute comforter set, but it was $80!! We walked around the store and thought about it and decided that was way to expensive for a 3 year old.  So we settled on a super comfy, fuzzy pink blanket.  Then we found these flower stickers to put all over her walls.  After Target we went to Lowes and bought some paint.  Let's just say her room looks like pink threw up in it.  It is sooooo cute though!!  It is not quite finished, we still need to put up curtains in her room, some pitures we bought the other day and a little lamp that she just adored at Target.  Giselly is so in love with her new room.  

I also got a steal on some ducky decor for the kiddos bathroom.  I am so flipping excited about it. I only paid $30 for a shower curtain, trash can, soap dispenser, cup holder, ducky toilet seat, ducky rug, shower curtain hooks, tooth brush holder and adorable ducky stickers for the wall.  I got it off a lady on craigslist.  It is used, but in great condition.  Brand new all of that would have been a lot of money.  

Lopez and I have never really decorated anywhere that we have lived.  We always knew that we wouldn't be staying very long.  That is really sad in my opinion.  So even though we know we will probably not be here longer than 3 years, we have decided to decorate and we are having a ball!! Next is probably Jacob's room.  His is a little more difficult only because he will have to share with the older boys when they come to visit.  I saw an absolutely adorable animal plaque for a child's room the other day.  I would have loved to have bought it for Jacob's room.  However, I decided that the older boys probably wouldn't appreciate that too much, it was pretty babyish. 

We bought Selly a pool today.  She absolutely adored it.  She wouldn't sit down though because she didn't want to get her "babeing soup" wet.  She is a nut.  We met more of our neighbors.  They have a 4 year old boy and a 1 year old boy.  I am trying really hard to remember everyone's name.  I am horrible with names!  It is really embarrassing sometimes.  

Well I better go for now.  

We have a house!!

So today we got the keys for our house! It is really nice inside. Not fancy or anything, but 200% better than our place in Puerto Rico and much bigger than our place in Rock Hill. It has TONS of closet space!!! It has an eat-in kitchen and a dining room area. We plan on using the kitchen to eat in and use the dining room as a play area for now. Giselly will have her own room (hopefully we can get her to sleep in it). We bought her new pink sheets for her big girl bed (not a toddler bed). So she is VERY excited. Jacob will have to share with the older boys when they come to visit, but I don't think he will mind ;). One thing that I LOVE is that the laundry room is upstairs right next to the bedrooms!! The kids also have their own bathroom upstairs. I don't have just one, but two pantries and a broom closet in the kitchen. It does have tile and linoleum all downstairs even in the livingroom which sucks, but upstairs has carpet. I went and got my steam mop today so hopefully all that tile won't be too hard to keep clean. I am so flipping excited about the silly steam mop :). We have a nice patio in the back and a carport on the front. We can see the playground from our back patio. There is a HUGE closet on the back porch. It could fit a motorcycle in it and still have space. We have met the neighbors to our left and they seem nice. They have two little boys. We saw a bunch of little girls about Giselly's age playing on our street, so I think she will have plenty of playmates. We have one more night in the hotel and then we will tough it out on the air mattress until Friday when our stuff arrives :). I will be without t.v. for a few more days, but I already have the phone and internet set up to be turned on Thursday night. Since we were put in the older section, they did tell us that if we want. we can upgrade to the new units in 6 months. Not sure if we will do that or not yet. I guess we will wait and see. The new ones are REALLY nice, but I think we will be happy with what we have been given.

Beautiful weekend!!

We had a beautiful weekend here in GA!!!  

On Saturday we went to a birthday party, we work fast huh? :)  I joined a meet-up group here and one of the ladies had a birthday party for her son.  She invited the other mommies in the group to bring their kids, so we went.  I thought it would be a nice way to meet some new people and get out of the hotel!!  She had the party at a place here on post called the Tree House.  It is a neat place for kids here.  It has a small area for little kids Jacob's age and a bigger area with slides and all sorts of climbing aparatus for the older kids.  Giselly took a while to warm up and was content to sit outside the door and collect stray balls for a while.  Once she felt comfortable she was off!  She had a blast!  Jacob had a grand old time too.  At one point I had to practically dive across the floor to grab him though because he decided to climb on top of a table instead of the area meant for climbing.  Luckily for him (me), it was a short kids table, so he hadn't gotten too high :).  The ladies I met were super nice and I can't wait until we get settled so I can get to know them better.  

Today we went on the search for Target.  It is in Savannah.  It was such a gorgeous day, when we actually found Target, we kept driving!  We wanted to see what else was around.  We found two malls and lots of nice places to eat whenever we manage to get a date night ;).  We ended up going to one of the malls and walking around for a bit, then hopped back in the car on the search for historic Savannah.  We found it and were so excited!  Historic Savannah is beautiful!!!  We didn't get out and walk because we did not even come prepared for a stop there.  We just drove around and took in the view.  We also made plans for every where we wanted to check out when we go back.  We have to buy a good stroller before we go back though.  Right now we just have one of those cheapo umbrella ones for Jacob, I know Selly would tire quickly of walking around.  There were so many cute little stores and wonderful looking places to eat.  I didn't see Paula Dean's restaurant, but I looked really hard.  We did see a Five Guy's.  Which if you have never been to one is probably the best hamburger joint I have ever been too.  If they would have had easier parking, we would have stopped there.  Lopez and I used to eat at a Five Guy's in Maryland all the time when we lived there.  We LOVE it and were really disappointed that there wasn't one close to us in Rock Hill.  So it is a little drive and we have to figure out where the heck to park, but at least we know where it is.  

On the way back to the hotel we had to stop and get something to eat.  We pulled into a shopping center that had two places to eat, a Pita sandwich shop and a pizza joint.  Well, I am sure you all know where we went.  The pizza joint of course :).  I am so glad we did.  The place was awesome!!  The service was incredible.  They even ended up giving us Giselly's meal for free, just because they don't sell pizza by the slice after 4 pm!  We told them she couldn't eat a whole large pizza by herself (duh), so they made her a little tiny pizza and gave it to us for free.  It was delicious.  So good we saved the address on the GPS thing so we could go back on another trip.  

When we got back to post, Lopez took Selly to the hotel playground and they stayed for an hour.  She was so excited when she came back in because there were some kids for her to play with.  I think she is really missing her pre-school in Rock Hill.  She cried almost every day when she had to go, but she always had so much fun!  She has such a tender little heart and gets her feelings hurt easily if someone won't play with her or someone hits her.  It sticks in her mind forever!  Sometimes we worry about her.  

So, one thing you will see (if you don't already know this about me) is that I can never make up my mind about anything.  That is one reason I haven't made it through college yet.  I changed my major about 5 times!  Anyhow, I think I have decided that I will still do the home daycare, even though Lopez may be leaving in Nov.  I decided that it will be a great way for me to bring in some money and spend time with the kids.  Plus it will help me keep my mind focused on something positive instead of the pending deployment.  I tend to get things stuck in my head and that is all I can think about.  Instead of dwelling on him leaving or being gone, I will focus on the day care and my kiddos.  The army will train me (again, I had a home daycare in Fort Richardson) and help me set my daycare up.  It is hard work, but it makes pretty good money.  I have learned from my mistakes though and will not have any infants.  In Fort Richardson I kept 3 infants and about lost my mind!  I hope to get 2-3 children over the age of 18 months.  That way Jacob will be the only baby.  Plus I already have appropriate toys for the older ages.  I am hoping that the income from the daycare will help get us caught up on our bills and allow us to have a good visit with Kevin and Javy this summer.  

Just be warned that tomorrow I may have a completely different plan!  

Beautiful day

Today was a beautiful day!  It was 75 degrees and not a cloud in site.  Lopez had to work this morning, but he got off early.  When he got back we went to buy me some new summer shirts (yippee).  I found some nice ones really quick and then we were on the hunt for a boot place for Lopez.  

The boots the Army issued him are not very comfortable for long road marches.  Lopez and I always get the boots resoled with a tennis shoe sole.  Today he heard the unit he is going to does a lot of road marches!  Well, Hinesville, GA is no Fayetteville we learned very quickly today.  There was only one boot place, and it took us forever to find it!  In Fayetteville there were lots.  

The weather was so nice that Selly and I spent over two hours at the hotel playground!  There were some other kids taking advantage of the nice day, so Selly had plenty of playmates.  I grabbed me a magazine and soaked in some sunshine.  There was a little boy about 9 years old and he ran Selly to death.  It was so funny.  He was pretending to be a monster and chased her around and around.  She had a blast.

Gotta go, Selly is fussing.

So here we are.  We made it to Ft. Stewart!  We have been here almost a week as I type this.  We are currently staying in on-post lodging and will be here until March 11th.  On March 11th we are suppsose to get our house!!!!!!!!  We have not been able to go into the house yet, but we have been stalking it all week :).  It is a 3 bedroom townhome, 2.5 baths.  We can see a playground right out of our back door, plus there are at least 2 more in walking distance.  I am very excited about the house, even if we can't see it yet.  I figure it can't be any worse than our apartment in PR.  I am pretty sure that this one will have hot water!

We did find out some sad news.  Lopez is set to deploy to Afganistan in October.  We knew this was a possibility, but not something you can ever fully prepare for.  I only heard about it yesterday and already it consumes most of my waking thoughts.  Most of our relatioship has been spent apart, so you would think I am used to this sort of thing.  I just don't think I can get used to being apart from one of the few people on the earth that loves me no matter what.  He doesn't judge me, and sometimes I am pretty nuts.  He puts up with my mood swings, my crazy rambling, weight issues, and constant babbling :).  He never complains about any of the stuff.  He makes me feel like I am o.k. just the way I am.  It sounds corny, but we complete each other.  We understand each others sense of humor and can always make each other laugh.  I just don't think I can get used to losing him for a whole year.  I am scared to death of him getting hurt over there or worse.  I am in an online community for army spouses, and one of the ladies just had her husband KIA in Afganistan.  Something like that really hits home at a time like this.  

We knew this was a possibility when he signed back up.  It was a chance we felt we had to take.  If you know us in real life, you know that Lopez and I have really struggled financially the last 3.5 years.  We felt that this was the best decision to help get us back on our feet.  Lopez is determined to go up in rank and really do well with his military career.  Our mess the last few years was completely our fault, we made very poor decisions that caused us to have to stay with friends on 3 different occasions in the last 3 years.  It was humiliating.  We had to make this decision so we can care for our own kids.

None of the reasons make a deployment seem any easier.  I am so selfish.  I stayed awake last night worried about having to care for the kids by myself again.  The thought of spending 24 hours being totally responsible for them without any help again, scares me.  I have been known to have small outburst of anger, where I yell and am just ugly to Giselly.  I don't hit her or anything like that, just yell and say ugly things.  I am worried that this stress will cause me to go back to that behavior.  I hope to be able to see a doctor about these concerns.  I don't want to spend the entire year yelling at the kids.  I want to be a happy mom that they are not scared of.  

I am worried about Lopez.  I worry about him constantly now, when he is here with me.  I know I am being irrational, but when he is late coming home for lunch or after work, I immediately think the worse.  I will sit and think that something terrible much have happened to make him late.  I have been like this since we first fell in love.  The thought of losing him hurts so much. How will I survive a year of him being in a war zone?  He won't be able to call me every day, I will be sick with worry.

Ugh.  I guess I will go for now.   If you pray, please pray for us.  Pray that we can make the most of the time we have before the deployment, pray that we have a wonderful visit with Kevin and Javy this summer, pray that I can keep it together for my husband and my children.  

All of my post won't be such downers.  I will keep you updated on the happenings of our life :).

Introducing the Lopez Family

So I have decided to start a new blog about my family and our journey through life.  This will probably not be very interesting to anyone but myself, but this is a nice way to keep friends and family updated on our life.

If you don't know my family let me tell you a little about us.  My husband is Ephrain Lopez.  I call him Lopez.  We met in the military so Lopez just stuck.  I will be calling him Lopez in my blog.  My hubby is Puerto Rican and has to be one of the most goreous men I have ever met.  I love his brown eyes and his nicely tanned skin.  He is very funny and very sarcastic.  We both have wicked senses if humor, so we get along great :). 

Lopez had two sons from previous relationships.  They are Kevin. who is 13.  Kevin will be fourteen in April.  He lives in Conneticut with his mom, step-dad and two siblings.  Kevin is the spitting image of Lopez.  They walk, talk and act alike.  He is going to be a heart throb when he gets old enough.  

Javy is my other step-son.  He just turned 12 in November.  Javy is quite a character.  He is so sweet and so sensitive.  We once had to remove him from a movie theatre when we were watching the Shrek movie where the Gingerbread man got torn apart.  He screamed and cried because the Gingerbread man got hurt.  

Lopez and I have two beautiful children.  Giselly Anne is our baby girl.  She just turned 3 in January.  She is absolutely beautiful and such a funny character.  She makes me crack up laughing every day.   She is really smart too.  

Our son is Jacob Gabriel.  He will be one in February.  He is a joy to be around.  He is always smiling and laughing.  We are starting milk this week and he is doing great.

Then there is me.  Being a mom is all I ever wanted to do.  I haven't graduated college yet, because I always find some excuse not to go.  With this ecomony, I know I have to get a degree, I just can't figure out what to be when I grow up.  It is something I struggle with quite a bit.  

Lopez just rejoined the Army.  I am so excited!  He got out before Selly was born.  The last three years have been a disaster financially.  When we were in the military, we had financed several things.  It was fine then because we had plenty of money and no housing bills to pay.  Once we got out, we got smacked into reality.  We couldn't pay all those bills anymore!  We have barely been able to afford food in the last three years.  It has been terrible.  I am so glad that we now at least have a steady paycheck and soon free housing and electricity.  I can't wait!  It will be such a weight off of our shoulders.

Right now Lopez is in Ft. lee, VA at his job training.  We *think* we are going to Fort Stewart, GA when he is done.  It is not 100% written in stone yet.  He was suppose to get his orders yesterday, but as usual the Army didn't do like they said they were going to.  We are VERY excited about going to GA.  The base we are moving to is not very big and the town is reeeeaallly small!  However from what we hear, housing is really nice.  We should get a three bedroom because of our family size.  We may even get one with a garage!  I have heard that the housing is practically brand new, so it should be nice.  I am so excited!!!!!  I can't wait.  The anticipation is killing me.  The base is 45 minutes away from Savannah, GA.  I have heard wonderful things about Savannah.  I can't wait to visit there.  

Well I will go for now.  I will try to post some pictures soon.