So here we are.  We made it to Ft. Stewart!  We have been here almost a week as I type this.  We are currently staying in on-post lodging and will be here until March 11th.  On March 11th we are suppsose to get our house!!!!!!!!  We have not been able to go into the house yet, but we have been stalking it all week :).  It is a 3 bedroom townhome, 2.5 baths.  We can see a playground right out of our back door, plus there are at least 2 more in walking distance.  I am very excited about the house, even if we can't see it yet.  I figure it can't be any worse than our apartment in PR.  I am pretty sure that this one will have hot water!

We did find out some sad news.  Lopez is set to deploy to Afganistan in October.  We knew this was a possibility, but not something you can ever fully prepare for.  I only heard about it yesterday and already it consumes most of my waking thoughts.  Most of our relatioship has been spent apart, so you would think I am used to this sort of thing.  I just don't think I can get used to being apart from one of the few people on the earth that loves me no matter what.  He doesn't judge me, and sometimes I am pretty nuts.  He puts up with my mood swings, my crazy rambling, weight issues, and constant babbling :).  He never complains about any of the stuff.  He makes me feel like I am o.k. just the way I am.  It sounds corny, but we complete each other.  We understand each others sense of humor and can always make each other laugh.  I just don't think I can get used to losing him for a whole year.  I am scared to death of him getting hurt over there or worse.  I am in an online community for army spouses, and one of the ladies just had her husband KIA in Afganistan.  Something like that really hits home at a time like this.  

We knew this was a possibility when he signed back up.  It was a chance we felt we had to take.  If you know us in real life, you know that Lopez and I have really struggled financially the last 3.5 years.  We felt that this was the best decision to help get us back on our feet.  Lopez is determined to go up in rank and really do well with his military career.  Our mess the last few years was completely our fault, we made very poor decisions that caused us to have to stay with friends on 3 different occasions in the last 3 years.  It was humiliating.  We had to make this decision so we can care for our own kids.

None of the reasons make a deployment seem any easier.  I am so selfish.  I stayed awake last night worried about having to care for the kids by myself again.  The thought of spending 24 hours being totally responsible for them without any help again, scares me.  I have been known to have small outburst of anger, where I yell and am just ugly to Giselly.  I don't hit her or anything like that, just yell and say ugly things.  I am worried that this stress will cause me to go back to that behavior.  I hope to be able to see a doctor about these concerns.  I don't want to spend the entire year yelling at the kids.  I want to be a happy mom that they are not scared of.  

I am worried about Lopez.  I worry about him constantly now, when he is here with me.  I know I am being irrational, but when he is late coming home for lunch or after work, I immediately think the worse.  I will sit and think that something terrible much have happened to make him late.  I have been like this since we first fell in love.  The thought of losing him hurts so much. How will I survive a year of him being in a war zone?  He won't be able to call me every day, I will be sick with worry.

Ugh.  I guess I will go for now.   If you pray, please pray for us.  Pray that we can make the most of the time we have before the deployment, pray that we have a wonderful visit with Kevin and Javy this summer, pray that I can keep it together for my husband and my children.  

All of my post won't be such downers.  I will keep you updated on the happenings of our life :).