stuff

Sorry it's been a while.  It's not like I am soooooo busy, I just keep forgetting to post!

My step-son Javy has been with us the last week and half.  It has been a very nice visit, Javy is a sweet boy.  He is very helpful and loves to play with the kids.  He has been such a big helper with the kids.

Things with Lopez job have really sucked.  He has been working so late every evening.  He didn't get home until 10pm last Thursday!!   I was so angry.  If they were actually doing work, it wouldn't be so bad, but they were just sitting around twiddling their thumbs.  We knew that this sort of thing happened in the Army, but it still makes us mad. 

We had a very nice Easter.  It was very quiet.  We went to one of Lopez's co-workers house for a birthday party and Easter Egg hunt.   Selly had a ball.  It was a nice day.  On Easter Sunday, i fixed a simple dinner and we had one of Lopez' friends over.  

We think we have decided that I will not be going back to work for now.  We only have about 6-7 months before he deploys.  I am afraid that a job would make it near impossible for me to spend time with him before he leaves.  I was going to do a home daycare, but I am not so sure my nerves can handle that right now.  So for now I will focus on Discovery Toys.  I know I won't become rich off of it, but a few extra bucks a month can't hurt.  

As for Discovery Toys, my first party was a bust.  I only sold one thing and it was only 18.50.  I am doind me best to make my next party a success.  I have walded around my neighborhood 2 times to ask complete strangers to come!  Lopez has also been asking his female com-workers for me.  So far I have 5-6 people coming.  So hopefully it will go better than the first party.  I really want to make this work so I can make a little extra money.

I had a doctors appointment today and explained all my problems.  My main complaint was being exhausted all the time.  I also explained how I wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I am gasping for breath and my heart is beating super fast.  The NP thinks I have sleep apnea.  She is sending me for a sleep study.  This is no surprise to me because when I had Selly the oxygen sensor they put on me kept beeping like crazy while I was sleeping because my oxygen level kept dropping.  They wanted to do a sleep study then, but I had a newborn baby and refused.  The NP thinks that the sleep apnea the cause of many of my problems even the anxiety and weight gain.  I am excited that there may be an end in sight to some of my issues.  

Well Jacob is freaking out, gotta go for now.

I thought I was wound too tight

I am in several online mommy message boards.  Moms go there to ask questions, talk, whine, swap recipes, etc.  Today a lady in one of them was extremely upset and beside herself because her third grader got a "c" in one of his classes.  Are you kidding me!!!!!  That is absolutely ridiculous.  I feel so sorry for that kid that he has to deal with a mom who is wound so tight that she cries over a flipping average grade.  I guess the kid is suppose to be a genius or something and the mom was in shock over this grade.  

Everyday when I am going about my daily routines, I get to thinking about this blog. I just never have the time to get on here.  Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about the pressure we put on ourselves to be the perfect mom, wife, co-worker etc.  I put this pressure on myself and I realize that I fail miserably at every roll I have.  I try, I really do, but somehow I always fall short.  Somedays the guilt eats me alive and some days, like when I see that woman bent out of shape over a "c" grade I think I am doing o.k.

So I have been thinking about being a little bit more open and honest with this blog.  I won't spill all our dirty laundry or anything like that.  If I feel comfortable to post stuff on Facebook, I think it is o.k. to post it on here :).  

Here is the deal.  I yell too much at my kids. I don't wear a bra when I am at home, which led to two embarrassing moments today.  I fed my kids hotdogs for 2 different meals today, but am proud to say they did eat at least two servings of fruit today.  My bedroom looks like a laundry basket threw up in it and my husband couldn't find a clean pair of underwear today (not sure what he did about that, not sure I want to know).  Giselly has to beg me to do her "learning" with her every day.  I have to fake it till I make just about every morning because I am so not a morning person.  I think my husband hates my insomnia more than I do.  I feel guilty for never going to bed at the same time my husband does. I hate that my husband does not understand that falling asleep is not as easy for me as it is for him.  I have to be medicated to fall asleep. I am trying to wean myself off prescription sleep aids so I started taking more natural sleep aids.  My husband desperately wants a dog but all I can think about is all the extra work the darn thing will be for me when he goes to the field and/or gets deployed.  I would rather cut off my left arm then get the dog.  I feel guilty for being a bad wife and mom so I will probably let them get the dog and just suffer.  I am so glad my husband has a job that can provide for us, but I really miss his help around the house and with the kids.  My husband is a great father, but it drives me nuts when he doesn't do things my way.  My husband told me the other day that I don't have an anxiety issue, but an anger issue.  Sometimes my kids drive me so crazy that my heart starts racing and I feel like it is going to pop out of my chest, at these times Xanax is my best friend.  

My life is not perfect, but I am glad to know that I am not the only crazy one out there.  After all that mom is about to lose her mind over a "c".  

One thing I have started doing is making a monthly menu to help with our budget.  I am going to start posting it here to give other moms ideas.  I will post in a few days because I have to redo mine a little because in the rush at the commissary the other day, I missed about 10 things on my list.