I thought I was wound too tight

I am in several online mommy message boards.  Moms go there to ask questions, talk, whine, swap recipes, etc.  Today a lady in one of them was extremely upset and beside herself because her third grader got a "c" in one of his classes.  Are you kidding me!!!!!  That is absolutely ridiculous.  I feel so sorry for that kid that he has to deal with a mom who is wound so tight that she cries over a flipping average grade.  I guess the kid is suppose to be a genius or something and the mom was in shock over this grade.  

Everyday when I am going about my daily routines, I get to thinking about this blog. I just never have the time to get on here.  Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about the pressure we put on ourselves to be the perfect mom, wife, co-worker etc.  I put this pressure on myself and I realize that I fail miserably at every roll I have.  I try, I really do, but somehow I always fall short.  Somedays the guilt eats me alive and some days, like when I see that woman bent out of shape over a "c" grade I think I am doing o.k.

So I have been thinking about being a little bit more open and honest with this blog.  I won't spill all our dirty laundry or anything like that.  If I feel comfortable to post stuff on Facebook, I think it is o.k. to post it on here :).  

Here is the deal.  I yell too much at my kids. I don't wear a bra when I am at home, which led to two embarrassing moments today.  I fed my kids hotdogs for 2 different meals today, but am proud to say they did eat at least two servings of fruit today.  My bedroom looks like a laundry basket threw up in it and my husband couldn't find a clean pair of underwear today (not sure what he did about that, not sure I want to know).  Giselly has to beg me to do her "learning" with her every day.  I have to fake it till I make just about every morning because I am so not a morning person.  I think my husband hates my insomnia more than I do.  I feel guilty for never going to bed at the same time my husband does. I hate that my husband does not understand that falling asleep is not as easy for me as it is for him.  I have to be medicated to fall asleep. I am trying to wean myself off prescription sleep aids so I started taking more natural sleep aids.  My husband desperately wants a dog but all I can think about is all the extra work the darn thing will be for me when he goes to the field and/or gets deployed.  I would rather cut off my left arm then get the dog.  I feel guilty for being a bad wife and mom so I will probably let them get the dog and just suffer.  I am so glad my husband has a job that can provide for us, but I really miss his help around the house and with the kids.  My husband is a great father, but it drives me nuts when he doesn't do things my way.  My husband told me the other day that I don't have an anxiety issue, but an anger issue.  Sometimes my kids drive me so crazy that my heart starts racing and I feel like it is going to pop out of my chest, at these times Xanax is my best friend.  

My life is not perfect, but I am glad to know that I am not the only crazy one out there.  After all that mom is about to lose her mind over a "c".  

One thing I have started doing is making a monthly menu to help with our budget.  I am going to start posting it here to give other moms ideas.  I will post in a few days because I have to redo mine a little because in the rush at the commissary the other day, I missed about 10 things on my list.