don't even know how to title this- it's long

It has been quite a while since I last posted and I wish I had good things to post. In the last two weeks my world has fallen apart.

On June 24th, Giselly came to me and told me that her brother Kevin touched her "tooshy" and made her touch his penis. I had no idea what to do. At first I thought I would confront Kevin, but I held back. I asked Selly again what happened and she repeated her story. I was horrified. Luckily Lopez called soon after she told me. I told him what happened. He was so mad. After we hung up, I called the Sex Abuse Hotline and asked what I should do next. They told me to take her to the doctor ASAP. I called Lopez and told him what they said. He siad he was already on his way home with 2 of his Sgt's with him. They were afraid that he would beat Kevin when he got home.

When he got home he confronted Kevin in front of his Sgt's. Kevin of course denied doing anything wrong. Lopez was very calm with Kevin.

I took Selly to the E.R. that evening. She acted as nothing had happened. She was jumping around, laughing, playing with the other children in the E.R. waiting room. All the while I was so calm it was bizarre. When we finally got back to the room, Giselly was still happy and jumping around. We played hokey pokey and Simon Says while waiting to be seen. At first the pediatric Nurse Practitioner said to being Selly back in the morning. Then she called right as we were walking out the door and said she would be in to see Selly that night because she couldn't sleep knwing I was so worried about Selly.

Then the Social Worker showed up. She asked Selly to draw a picture of her family. She drew Kevin and Javy as monsters with "angry" faces. She drew the rest of us the way she always draws people. When the SW asked her what had happened with Kevin the child that was just jumping all over the place put her hands in her face and hid. She hid the whole time I relayed what she had told me.

Another SW came in and the same thing, the bouncy happy child coward in her hands. The NP finally showed up and the same thing. It was heart breaking. The NP did a quick exam to see if there was any physical trauma and Thank God there was not, there was no penetration. We left the E.R. at 1am.

Selly acted like this with every person that spoke to her until we saw a Social Worker who is trained in interviewing children for abuse cases. In a room by herself and the SW being video taped, Selly told what happened. I have not been told exactly what she said and I have not been able to see the video. From what I have been told, she told the SW about the same thing she told me the first evening.

Kevin was interviewed later the same day (I think, the days are running together). They interviewed him for 4 hours. He denied it to the very end and finally admitted what happened. The investigator said that he basically said the same thing Selly did in her interview.

The anger is eating my alive. At first I was like a zombie. I showed no emotion for probably the first 4-5 days. None. I was worried that I was not showing the "proper" emotions that a mother should show when this type of thing happens. I always thought that if I were put in this situation that I would at least yell, if not kill someone that had touched my child like this. I did nothing. I did not even confront Kevin until the night before he went home and even then I was completely composed, never even raised my voice or gave him the stink eye.

Now I am a ball of anger. I am so freaking mad I can barely stand it. Any little thing sets me off into tears. I am angry that God let this happen to my child. I prayed every night for God to protect my babies and He let this happened. I prayed that my children would never know any sort of abuse and here we are. I had someone tell me that god would get me through this. Why didn't God keep me and my baby from this situation in the first place. Why did my child deserve this? Why do Lopez and I deserve this?

Giselly is still acting o.k. There are a few things that were/are worrying me, but for the most part i think she is fine. She said to me that "Kevin didn't know it was bad to touch private parts". It makes me happy and sad to hear that. Happy only because it seems like she thinks this was an accident, not something done "to her" on purpose. Sad because of the same reason. I know that does not make any sense, but that is how I feel. I want her to forget this ever happened and I think she will. I am not sure Lopez and I will ever forget.

I am angry because Kevin received not one bit of punishment. NOTHING. I mean he didn't even get yelled at by his father or me. NOTHING. I did not want him to go to jail. I wanted him to at least get community service. Honestly I have absolutely no idea what happened in the investigation except for my part in it. Lopez handled the rest of it and for that I am angry at him. I am angry that he did not push for punishment. He only pushed to get Kevin out of here ASAP. Don't get me wrong, I COMPLETELY feel for him and understand where he is coming from. Kevin is his child and even though he has done something horrible, Lopez still wants to protect him too. I understand this, but I am still so freaking angry!! I love my husband dearly and I know we will get through this, but I can not help the anger. He knows I am angry and he understands my side too. We are handling it the best we can.

Lopez is having a hard time handling this. He is so torn because it is his son and his daughter. He just does not know what to do. We went to see a chaplain. Luckily this is the same chaplain that will be going to his 5 week training in CA and his during his deployment to the Middle East.

I am angry because I have a family member who told me I "blew this out of proportion" and that Kevin was "just jealous of Giselly and that is why he did this". She told me that I am teaching Giselly that "sex is bad" by teaching her that it is "bad" to let other people to touch her private parts. While even the therapist told me that "bad" may have been the wrong choice in wording, she said that I have done everything right with Selly. What if Selly had not felt comfortable in coming and telling me. What if I had not believed her or worse yet ignored it? The same family member told me this behavior from Kevin was "normal". It is not normal it is sick.

Everyone is under the same assumption that most likely Kevin has been abused himself. Two therapist have told me that because he felt so comfortable to do this to Selly so fast (he had only been in our home for less than 24 hours), that most likely he has done this to another child before. One even said that if he does not receive treatment, he will become a pedophile. How the heck can this family member tell me I am "blowing this out of proportion". I do not think that the fact that he may have been abused himself is an excuse for what he has done. I still wish he had received some sort of punishment.

Another thing I am angry at. The social worker put on her paperwork that this whole thing happened due to "insufficient supervision". I am so hurt by this and angry, i want to smack the stupid SW. I already blame myself for this situation. I was just downstairs when it happened. I was probably sitting on the couch playing on the computer. I can't remember exactly what I was doing. I remember that on that day I was so excited to have a few minutes of peace and quiet while the boys kept Selly entertained upstairs. I was so glad that she was not asking me every five minutes to color, paint, ride her bike etc., that I never thought twice about her being upstairs by herself with her brothers. I know that I really didn't do anything wrong. Until this happened, I had no reason to believe that Giselly was in any danger. I should not have had to be worried about her being with her own brothers. In reality I already know this is not my fault, but the guilt still eats at me. I feel like the SW and CPS thinks that i am a bad mother and it kills me. "Insufficient Supervision" kills me. I am not the mom who sits at the playground and gossips with the other mothers. I follow my kids around to make sure they are not getting hurt and are where they are suppose to be. I am not the mother that lets her 3 year old run around the neighborhood all by herself, running in and out of other people's home. Yet I am now the one with that label. Lopez had to sign a paper that I would know the whereabouts of my younger children at all times, that I would keep the younger kids separated from the older boys, and that I understand during his training that I am responsible for the children 24/7. What the hell! Of course I realize that. I am angry he even signed the paper, but he really was in no frame of mind to fight it. I however have already called to demand a new SW and make my anger known. Even if in my own mind I am angry at myself for letting this happen, I just can not have that paper running around.

There was sex abuse in my family since I was at least 6-7 years old, if not younger. 6-7years old is just the first time I remember it. I believe I was abused earlier but have no concrete memories to prove it. The abuse was known about by adult members in my family and they did NOTHING to protect me, my sister or my cousins. They ALL chose to ignore the behavior because it was another child that did it. All they had to do was have the guts to "blow it out of proportion" and years later the other sex abuse would have never happened. Because they all chose to ignore the problem the wrong man was put in jail and the guilty one was free to keep abusing us. There is no telling how many children he actually abused because he had access to so many because not only was he a pedophile, he was a womanizer. His girlfriends almost always had children. I wonder if he abused them too?

My mind is such a jumble of anger, disbelief and sadness. It is so sad to hear my daughter keep asking me if it "is o.k. to touch her own private parts". Or when she told me that I couldn't pinch her cute little bootie anymore because that was her private parts (I know it is, but the pinching was something I have done since she was born). She used to be so free and now she makes sure the door is always closed when she changes her clothes so the boys can't see her.

Sorry if this blog was so mixed up.

I beg anyone who reads this to teach your children the proper names for their private parts, teach your children that their body is theirs and they are in charge of it. Let your children know that they can tell you anything, no matter how hard it is for them to tell you. If your child does disclose abuse BELIEVE THEM!! Most young children that disclose abuse are telling the TRUTH! Do not ignore the problem, do not sweep it under the rug. Even if they abuser does not receive any punishment like in our case, you have to PROTECT your child. It is not NORMAL for a 14 year old young man to abuse touch a 3 year old's vagina and make her touch his penis. If the abuser is a kid, most likely they have been abused themselves and they need help. Get your child into counseling, get yourself and your spouse into counseling. Don't make excuses for the abuser. Just because they had a rough life or were even abused in their own life does not give them the right to abuse others.

I have tons more I could post, tons more things I am thinking about this. I think right now I am so angry that I just don't even know what to say anymore. There is so much more to the story of what has gone on in the last two weeks, but my mind is too much of a mixed up mess. If you have read this far, thank you.